Aftermath of Childbirth

As many of you already know, I have two children. M is 5 and L is 2 1/2. They are my whole world. No doubt about it. Having children is such a joy in so many ways. Everyday is a new experience and a memory made. I also carry the memories of childbirth. The good and the bad. Not just the mental and emotional memories, but the physical ones too. The battle scars. The changes in my appearance. The lack of interest in being intimate. The whole shebang.

Love my little blessings!

I know so many mothers out there that are so strong and never let any of these things bother them. They are proud of what they were left with after giving birth. I'm not going to say I'm not proud, because believe me I wouldn't change a thing. I carried those two munchkins and brought them into this world! And it will always be worth it. Worth everything my body has been put through. But, I find myself lacking self esteem on a daily basis and this has been an issue since the birth of M.

I didn't get blessed with super elastic skin (although that would be a pretty awesome super power like ElastiGirl from The Incredibles!). And I have very fair skin. I gained 50 pounds during my first pregnancy and 40 with my second. My skin took a beating. I was left with stretch marks galore. I have them on my stomach, a few on the insides of my thighs and even some on my hiney! My apologies if that's TMI. But it's true. And I hate it. I can't bring myself to love my stretch marks like many women. I wish they would disappear. I tried everything. Cocoa butter, vitamin E, you name it. During and after the pregnancies. Nothing works. I was also left with saggy skin, which probably bothers me even more than the stretch marks. No matter what my weight is, it's there. Staring at me in the mirror everyday. It will always be there. I will never be comfortable in a bathing suit again. Bikini? No thank you! I can get away with a tankini if the top is long enough or just go with a full piece. But I would rather not be in one at all. And that just plain stinks.

Shrinkage up top is another card I was dealt. Some women get really lucky and they actually gain a cup size or so. I have the unfortunate problem of the exact opposite. I wasn't large to begin with, but I was happy with what I had. Now, I'm smaller than ever and have lost all perkiness. *Sigh* I am only comfortable in the Victoria's Secret Bombshell bras and they're my new besties! Wouldn't go anywhere without one!

People tell me that I look great and I know they mean it. I appreciate each compliment more than they know. But when they don't see what I see under the clothes it's hard for them to really understand how I feel. 

I keep telling my husband that one day I will have surgery. I have never been a proponent of surgery for the sake of vanity. I don't understand why some women choose to get implants that make their boobs the size of watermelons! However, I do agree with doing something for yourself if it makes you happy and comfortable in your own skin. So long as it's not obnoxious and completely obvious. I just want to remove the excess skin and perk up the ladies again! If I go under, might as well do both at the same time. Right? I promised myself I wouldn't do anything extreme and wouldn't consider it before I was finished having kids. Well, pretty sure I've hopped off the baby-making train. One of each is enough for this gal! Now I just have to wait until we can actually afford it and I can get over my fears. As much as I want it, it makes me a tad nervous. One day.

How many of you also lack self-confidence after having children? Any tips on how to overcome it? I could sure use some advice.

XOXO,
Ashley

Worry: My Worst Enemy & Biggest Flaw

This will officially be my very first link-up :) I found Things I Can't Say through Stress Case and have fallen in love with her blog! She is so open and honest about life. She is a mother and wife and blogs about both the struggles and joys of marriage and parenting....I feel like I really relate to her and look forward to reading her posts. Not to mention, her writing skills are AMAZING! Pour Your Heart Out is a link-up that happens every Wednesday and I must say there are some amazing ladies spilling about all sorts a schmorgesborg of things. It's meant to be a time that you can vent/talk about anything that's on your mind - something that's weighing you down, something that you're excited to share, and anything in between.


So, today I wanted to spill about my struggles with constant worrying. For me, worry is my worst enemy that is always around, poking me in the side, giving me headaches, and being that annoying twitch that you really wish would just disappear. I wish I could literally pick it up and throw it in the trash or punch it in the face, but unfortunately it doesn't work that way. I know there are probably people out there that struggle even more than I do with worry, but in my mind I feel like the worst worrier in the world.

I worry about everything. I mean EVERYTHING! I worry about our finances: Are we going to be able to afford all of our bills and have enough leftover after groceries and whatnot to get through to the next payday? Can we get some of our debt paid off so that less is going out each month? Will we ever be able to actually save enough to go on a nice family vacation? I worry about my parenting skills: Am I really a good mom? Will I teach my kids to always do what's right? Do I make enough time for my kids to read to them, play with them, and teach them how to spell? I worry about being a wife: Am I the supportive wife that I should be? Do I give enough of myself to my husband (heart and soul)? I worry about our future: What kind of position will we be in when it's time to retire? Will we ever be able to buy our own home? These are just a few of the things I worry about and trust me I know some of these things may seem ridiculous or even so trivial to worry about on a regular basis. I know that I really am doing my best to manage everything, but I can't seem to get a grip on reality and just calm my mind. I wish I could turn some of these worries into daydreams. I don't sit at my desk and dream about things...ever. I worry. That's what I do. Plain and simple. Or I guess you could say complicated because daydreaming would be much more simple.    

At times, my constant worrying can get so overwhelming that I develop a crazy amount of anxiety and I don't know how to handle it. Thankfully I have a great support system. J is my rock when I am at my worst. He is pretty much the opposite of me and doesn't worry about things like I do. This is a good thing or our household would be a wreck! My mom and my sister are also always helping me, even when it's just that little nudge to tell you "hey, it's all going to be just fine." I need that on a pretty regular basis.

I think I am going to write this bible verse on a piece of paper and carry it with me everywhere as a reminder that I need to let go. I can't control everything (although sometimes I wish I could plan out my entire life).

"Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own." ~ Matthew 6:34, New International Version

I need to concentrate on freeing my mind of what might happen and focus on what is happening at this moment. My big goal for 2012 is to focus more on my husband and my kids and to try not to worry so much about the little things because the worry will not change anything or get me anywhere. It will only give me more headaches.

My prayer for today is that we can all find peace and not worry about tomorrow or what may come.

XOXO,
Ashley